


the words i am too afraid to speak.

by katiecarothers



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2019-10-28 17:10:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17791415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiecarothers/pseuds/katiecarothers
Summary: This is a collection of proses I’ve written, some of them on more heated and debatable topics but mainly directing towards self-harm, rape, suicide attempts, etc.





	1. i hate valentines day

**Author's Note:**

> This is most likely going to be my most gruesome and detailed book of proses yet, so I must warn you. Be safe.

today marks 10 years

since i told the police

that my  _own flesh & blood_

stole 

my

virginity.

_-i am sick of crying on Valentine’s Day._


	2. if you would’ve asked me a year ago

if you would have asked me a year ago,

you would have gotten answers like this:

  * yes, i love her.
  * no, i do not.
  * no, i did not let him kiss me.
  * no, i did not have feelings for him.
  * no, we did not kiss.
  * fine, we did kiss.
  * i still asked him to stop.
  * just because i kissed him does not mean i wanted him to keep going.
  * no, im not going to kill myself.
  * yes, i really want to.
  * yes, she is my best friend.
  * no mom, i am not in love with her.



if you would have asked me today,

you would receive answers like this:

  * i wish i did not love her.
  * yes, i always have.
  * i am definitely trying to move on even though I do not want to.
  * yes, I let him kiss me.
  * yes, i did like him. i did not like what he was doing.
  * yes, we kissed.
  * i still asked him to stop.
  * maybe it’s my fault because if i did not kiss him he would not have kept going.
  * no, im not going to kill myself.
  * but if i could, i would do it in a heartbeat.
  * no, i was simply her friend and loved her a little more than that.
  * no Mom, i am not in love with her.



_-but that doesn’t change the fact that i am still the same broken girl i was a year ago today._


	3. today.

today, my rapist sat behind me in class.

he did everything he could

to avoid doing so,

but the assigned seats were not an 

option to my study hall teachers’ eyes.

as much as i wanted to tell her why i 

could not,

would not,

absolutely did not

want to

sit in the proximity of him,

i did not.

i did not speak the words that i should 

have spoken,

perhaps the words i should have spoken

to the police,

but i did not do that today.

i did not do it yesterday either.

i most likely will never tell the world

what you have done

unless if it is through my poetry,

which, quite frankly, you do not even

deserve that.

you do not deserve the credit to hurt me.

you do not deserve to take that credit

because you hurt me.

you do not deserve to be the reason i 

cut myself with paper and bleed out 

words that rhyme and make light echoes

to the beat of the word patterns-

you do not deserve any of this.

but i won’t take that away from you 

today.

and maybe someday i will, but as of 

today, you are just a boy who sits 

behind me in study hall 

who breathes loudly as if you are trying

to taunt me by making me relive the 

feeling of your fingers slipped inside of

me as i hear your loud breathing and

heavy moans-

oh, no.

i have said too much for today.

and i am sure that i will regret it by

tomorrow.

but today, i am letting this one remain

silent.

 


	4. the words he spoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about being triggered by hearing the voice of someone who has harmed you.

the words he spoke

were nothing

like the words 

he said

the day he took 

my skirt & panties

off of me,

but the lingering echoes 

of his voice

were enough

to pull the alarm.

_-trigger._


	5. savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about overcoming memories of rape.

the only

savior

i had

to shelter me

from remembering

my rapists

were my beloved

books

where they filled me up

inside

and did not stop me

from becoming

the woman

i am

_today._


	6. don’t you dare

“don’t you dare write anymore poems about your father and i” she would say, as if my writings were going to overpower the abuse and cause them to somehow ruin the power that the abuse gave my father in the first place. it made no sense to me why i could not write about him. 

_-but honey, i dared._


	7. a cup half full.

and the sad thing is,

she made me not want to write at all.

every soul i had fallen in love with found 

ways to pour the poetry back into me,

but not her.

__**__** ~~****-how she managed to pour the words out of me.~~


	8. dear future daughter

dear future daughter,

i am so sorry that you may just end up turning out just like your mother. please know that it was never my intentions to destroy you, but keep in mind that i was destroyed, too. 


	9. too quick

it was almost as if she were too quick to say that i am nothing like him, only to point out every little aspect as to how i became the same person that he is today.

_-i won’t be like you._


	10. for the girl that i used to be.

for the girl that i used to be,

to put it simply, i am here to apologize for letting people walk on you as if they are Jesus Christ and you are the water whom they tread upon to heal the doubt of their disciples. im so sorry that i am me.


	11. waitress

sometimes it’s easier to put myself in jenny’s apron because getting lost in a beautiful pie might be the only thing that can keep me from getting lost in my mind. 

_-waitress_


	12. a letter for the girl i am striving to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i will never be satisfied.

a letter for the girl i am striving to be:

i am so sorry that you may or may not exist in the long run. it’s my fault for that because quite frankly, the me that i am right now is very good at making mistakes & i would hate to admit it but maybe you might be one of them too. i am so apologetic that i will never be satisfied with who you are.


	13. unwritten

sometimes you let people write the chapter that you were afraid to write yourself.

_-unwritten._


	14. rape joke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about rape jokes, because I hear about this too often and someone needs to say it.

the little girl who cried rape could not even express her cries in a world that laughed so cruelly at her.

_-rape joke._


End file.
